Have you ever been asked for feedback by someone who then became defensive when you provided it? After all, what’s the purpose of asking for feedback if you don’t want to hear it?  Or have you been on the receiving end of feedback that has offended you?  Either way, giving and receiving feedback can be a bit of a minefield, so it’s critical to get it right, whether you’re providing the feedback, or on the receiving end of it.

Let’s begin by attempting to comprehend a person’s psyche to determine why they might feel defensive when receiving feedback. One of the most prevalent reasons is that they feel attacked, which can be especially true if the feedback is negative. Asking for feedback on ourselves, something we’ve done, or a project we’re working on exposes us to a state of vulnerability. Therefore, feedback, even if well-intended can sometimes leave us with the impression that we’re not capable, or not good enough, and if these feelings are compounded by a fear of failure, we are naturally driven to defend ourselves. Resistance to change is another reason for feeling combative when receiving feedback. When change is reflected in suggestions that we need to alter our behaviour or something we’ve worked on, it can be unsettling, causing us to resist the feedback we are receiving. If we don’t trust the individual providing feedback, we may feel that they are not qualified to do so, or that they have an ulterior motive. Negative feedback, for whatever reason, can often feel like a personal attack; therefore, it is essential to learn to recognise feedback for what it is and to view it constructively.

Let’s discuss feedback solicitation. One of the most important factors to consider is the specificity of the feedback you want.  If your feedback request is vague, you will likely receive broad counsel or guidance that veers into areas where you weren’t asking for input.  Laying out your request and explaining why you’re seeking feedback will enable the individual providing you with it to zero in on the specific areas in which you are seeking improvement or advice.  Here’s an example:

“I’d like feedback on my leadership style.”

vs.

“I’m seeking to improve team performance and I’d like feedback on my leadership style when I’m under pressure.”

It’s always a good idea to level out feedback with a variety of perspectives, so it’s worth asking multiple individuals rather than just one. This will help you obtain responses with breadth and depth, the caveat being that you’re approaching the right people.  As mentioned above, not everyone is qualified to provide feedback; therefore, choose individuals who know you well, can be trusted, and have relevant knowledge in the area you are looking to improve.  When requesting feedback, it is important to be receptive to both positive and negative comments. There is no purpose in requesting feedback if you only intend to confirm what you already think.  Constructive feedback can help you identify blind spots and areas for improvement, establish confidence and identify your strengths.  

Clarify how you would like the person to give you feedback. If you’re happy with an e-mail and a few bullet points then that’s absolutely fine but if you want to discuss the feedback, let the person know that you would prefer to talk, and then create a safe space for having the feedback discussion. Setting aside a specific time when you and the person providing feedback can communicate freely enables both parties to feel comfortable being candid. Ask for specific examples if you disagree with something. This will help you better understand the feedback and pinpoint areas where you can make changes or improvements.  Always show appreciation for the person’s time and effort in providing input, even if you don’t agree with everything they’ve said. 

Finally, take time to reflect on the feedback you’ve been given. Receiving feedback from others is a good way to understand different viewpoints and promotes intellectual diversity. Hopefully, if you’ve followed the steps above, you’ll have gained some useful insight that allows you to move closer to your goal.  However, if you noticed yourself becoming defensive, consider the underlying causes. Were you clear enough in your intent? What was it about the response that struck a nerve and was there some truth in it? It can be quite liberating to acknowledge a differing point of view; look at it as a learning experience and keep in mind that the majority of constructive criticism comes from a good place with sincere intentions.   

An Executive Coach can help you understand the art of giving and receiving constructive feedback. If you’d like to find out about working with me, schedule an introduction by clicking on this link: https://appt.link/victoria-orr-coaching/consultation